Not Enough

There are days when I can just tell I shouldn’t get out of bed, even before I do.  These used to happen at least twice a week because my mood determined the day.  Now I get up and decide it’s gonna be a good day.  

Today I did that.  And by the end, I felt exactly as I did over 20 years ago.  Wondering what I have done to create the reaction I create in people.  Why do I work hard and do things for others, only to be overlooked and mistreated.  At first, I was sure it was their problem.  Or that my calling was for something else.  But there’s a pattern. And when a pattern shows itself, one MUST look at the common denominator.  Me.  But I can’t get some honest feedback.  I can’t get anyone to tell me where my misstep is.  My husband is convinced it’s not me (because he loves me, so that’s what he should say). My friends hint at things and avoid any real conversation.  My freinemies tell me I’m great, then talk about me behind my back (which I always hear about).  My superiors tell me I’m great. And doing a great job.  So. What is it?  What is it about me that makes people create stories and take advantage?   This is especially true of those who I get close to - on a personal level.  

I do all

I can too

show my strengths

and 

work. 

Hard.  

To help

others until 

nothing of me 

remains.  

Yet...

names are called.  

stories are manipulated.  

opportunities are missed. 

I do all

I can. 

Yet...

It’s still. 

Not. 

Enough.