thoughts
I'm up at 2:18 AM because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because my mind is racing, racing with thoughts that I can't put away. Usually, these thoughts/feelings are locked up tight in a box far far deep in my subconscious. But occasionally, they come to the surface and I lose sleep because I can't lock them up again. Tonight is no different.
Secondaryism (don't know if it's a real word, but here's my definition: being second or third, or more down on a person's list of important people), inadequacy, loneliness, self-loathing, jealousy, guilt, and self-pity all line my brain tonight.
I guess these feelings come from years of inability to say "no." Then getting abused when people realize I'm who I am. It's hard to forgive when walked upon year after year after year after year by friends, family, co-workers, and even aquaintences. I realize to forgive and, most importantly, to forget is what I need to in order to fix my view of myself, but so much easier said than done.
I think I've forgiven, but not forgotten. That's not true. I know I've forgiven, but not forgotten. Because I keep score. There's a little scoreboard in my head that tracks the number and intensity of wrongs in my life. I could tell you who's in the lead right now. That's just wrong. As a teenager, I always thought a good memory is an asset. As an adult, I've decided it's not. I need to forget. I want to forget.
How do I forget? How do I forget the work, pain, and tears that have made me who I am? I still don't have the answer. I realize my need for approval stems from all of these feelings, and my skills stem from my need for approval. If I forgive and forget all these things, will I still be competant in the few arenas I am currently competant in? Or will I have to start all over again?
That's not the real question that plagues me tonight.. the real question is simply this:
do they care? Do they TRULY care? (this is a rhetorical question that does not need to be answered by the readers of this blog) This is the question that keeps me up tonight.
Secondaryism (don't know if it's a real word, but here's my definition: being second or third, or more down on a person's list of important people), inadequacy, loneliness, self-loathing, jealousy, guilt, and self-pity all line my brain tonight.
I guess these feelings come from years of inability to say "no." Then getting abused when people realize I'm who I am. It's hard to forgive when walked upon year after year after year after year by friends, family, co-workers, and even aquaintences. I realize to forgive and, most importantly, to forget is what I need to in order to fix my view of myself, but so much easier said than done.
I think I've forgiven, but not forgotten. That's not true. I know I've forgiven, but not forgotten. Because I keep score. There's a little scoreboard in my head that tracks the number and intensity of wrongs in my life. I could tell you who's in the lead right now. That's just wrong. As a teenager, I always thought a good memory is an asset. As an adult, I've decided it's not. I need to forget. I want to forget.
How do I forget? How do I forget the work, pain, and tears that have made me who I am? I still don't have the answer. I realize my need for approval stems from all of these feelings, and my skills stem from my need for approval. If I forgive and forget all these things, will I still be competant in the few arenas I am currently competant in? Or will I have to start all over again?
That's not the real question that plagues me tonight.. the real question is simply this:
do they care? Do they TRULY care? (this is a rhetorical question that does not need to be answered by the readers of this blog) This is the question that keeps me up tonight.
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