my mistake
Last night I wrote a poem in hopes it would free me of the chains trapping me in the situations I hate.
I realize these chains are self-created and in order to remove them, I have to change yet I can't seem to do it. I make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over.
It worked for the evening - then I woke up and had contact with the outside world and all was lost again. I think I will have to write as often as possible for a while. This time it was a rejection I knew was coming... I mean I SAW the "writing on the wall." Yet, I am still hurt and want to curl up and ignore the outside world. There is another half of this situation coming, and I hope I am wrong about this chapter... but I doubt it. The issuance of confidence and trust is my repetitive mistake - and I never learn.
This time, the mistakes are compounded by my inability to cope with my father's death. I realized in the last few days that I defined myself by his opinion and viewpoints of me. When he was happy me, I was happy with me. Now that he's gone, I have no barometer.
Most recently, people I thought were one way have turned out to be another and I find myself alone. Again. At least that's what it feels like - they claim to want to listen and support, but what I need most is a "hello" every now and then. It's the little things like just sitting in my room with me while I grade or occasionally making time for me outside of the arena we know each other regularly. Right now, I don't have anyone like that... I just have people who are willing to hang out when it's convenient and someone else is available to join us. I get no time alone.
Then I think... this is all just paranoia. I mean, would they talk to me if they didn't like me? They say nice things to me and remember my birthday. They have busy lives outside of our relationship.
I realize these chains are self-created and in order to remove them, I have to change yet I can't seem to do it. I make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over.
It worked for the evening - then I woke up and had contact with the outside world and all was lost again. I think I will have to write as often as possible for a while. This time it was a rejection I knew was coming... I mean I SAW the "writing on the wall." Yet, I am still hurt and want to curl up and ignore the outside world. There is another half of this situation coming, and I hope I am wrong about this chapter... but I doubt it. The issuance of confidence and trust is my repetitive mistake - and I never learn.
This time, the mistakes are compounded by my inability to cope with my father's death. I realized in the last few days that I defined myself by his opinion and viewpoints of me. When he was happy me, I was happy with me. Now that he's gone, I have no barometer.
Most recently, people I thought were one way have turned out to be another and I find myself alone. Again. At least that's what it feels like - they claim to want to listen and support, but what I need most is a "hello" every now and then. It's the little things like just sitting in my room with me while I grade or occasionally making time for me outside of the arena we know each other regularly. Right now, I don't have anyone like that... I just have people who are willing to hang out when it's convenient and someone else is available to join us. I get no time alone.
Then I think... this is all just paranoia. I mean, would they talk to me if they didn't like me? They say nice things to me and remember my birthday. They have busy lives outside of our relationship.
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