Metabolization

When I read other blogs, there is always this bigger purpose:

• correcting societal wrongs
• sharing experiences to help others
• instructions to do something crafty

The list is endless, really.  I often wonder why mine always seem to focus on me and my problems.  Today when I pondered this situation, my mind wandered back to a great book I once started reading (I have since put the book back on my "to read" list), The Right to Write.  One WHOLE chapter explains and investigates the and invites readers to "write to metabolize."  This phrase calmed my nerves and my worries about my blog.  Because that's what I do.  I write to metabolize - I always have.  No matter what genre I write, it is for me.  If a reader happens upon it, and they enjoy it.  Great.  Ultimately, though, it's for me.  

It is with this in mind that I write today.  I need to metabolize my relationships.  Past.  Present.  Future.  Hopefully, this will lead to some break-throughs in my life; if not, oh well.  At least I'll feel better.  

I have always been a "people pleaser" - I NEED people to like me and be pleased with me.  At first reading, that's not too bad a thing.  For me, it was (is).  My need to please crippled me in the past.  I was unable to make a decision; I waffled on my opinions based on who I was in the room with; I kept my mouth closed on subjects I felt strongly about; I berated myself when I made a simple error; I tolerated behavior that I shouldn't have.  

Notice all those verbs are in past tense.  That is my metaphorical way to avoid continuing this pattern.   Because I'm still very vulnerable to these behaviors.  Very vulnerable.  I found myself doing it today.  And that's not okay.  At. All.  I have sacrificed myself in my search for a best friend, an approving family, an attentive friend, and so much more.  

Having said all that, my realization that it's not okay has been recent (like less than 12 months ago, recent).  I had the unfortunate luck to become privy to several conversations had between two people where my trust was betrayed, my integrity was called in to question, my name was replaced with a dirty word, and my behavior (as described above) was ridiculed.  

I.

Was.

Heart-broken.

For the next week or so, I cried.  Almost all day.  I made it through the work day without breaking down, but immediately after school, I cried.  Then I got through dinner with my family, and then I cried some more.  I cried until I went to bed.  Finally one day, I decided it was ridiculous.  So I got mad.  And looked at all of my "close" relationships, hard, and realized that most of them aren't close.  Not really.   Some are one-sided.  Some are abusive.  Some are parasitic.  Some are surface-level.  Some are roller-coasters.  I have very few (like I can count them on one hand) close relationships.  

Since then, I have learned a lot about myself through a lot of reflection AND another great book, Daring Greatly.  

I am ready to own my part of those relationship failures (and so many others).  I over-share too quickly without really examining the relationship and participants closely enough to determine the strength and trust level.  That's my fault, which is saddening because I see so many great people in my past (both recent and not) who I would love to be close with, but I blew it.  I could lay blame to the people who have hurt me, but ultimately, it comes down to this: I can't control other people.  All I can control is my interactions with and reactions to them.  

So here I am.  Writing this blog in an attempt to come up with a plan to help me be a mentally and emotionally healthy person.  I still search for my "best friend" because I truly believe that every person needs one, especially women.  I still search for the approval of my family because I'm a middle child whose approval died with her father.  I still search for a person (besides my husband) who will notice when I'm having a bad day because I am sure that person is out there.  But I am unwilling to sacrifice myself in that search.  If they don't like my thoughts, fine.  If they think I'm a "kiss ass," fine.  If they want to judge me, fine.  But I like me because I have a giving soul, learning mind, and kind heart.  I remember teeny tiny details about people's lives and ask about them.  I empathize (sometimes too much, but that's another blog for another time) with them and work hard to make them feel better.  I support them despite ridiculously bad choices (or good ones).  I am a good person.  A good friend.  A good daughter.  A good sister.  A good aunt.  

I need a mantra.  

Ha!  I just realized the second book mentioned above gave me one: "I am enough."  

This is what I need to realize.  Because I am.