Entitlement, drama, and fulfillment

Earlier today, on my drive home from coffee, I planned a beautiful blog post about entitlement, drama, and fulfillment.  Unfortunately, I didn't sit down and write the blog.  So now, I'm here.  Without a blog and without my inspiration.   But I'm going to attempt it anyway.  

"Truth is, it was attitude
Replaced greed with gratitude" - Train

Train has been one of my favorite bands for years, decades really.   I listen to this song (California 37) on loop for days at a time a lot.  It didn't occur to me why until recently - it's that line.  

For two years, I was incredibly unhappy with a lot, specifically my career.  That was a shift, a shocking shift.  I have always loved my job.  Always.  Then suddenly I didn't.  When I heard this song this morning, I realized why.  It was attitude.  I was making myself unhappy (I had already figured that part out) because I felt entitled to the "next step" in my career.  Because I had done my time.  Because I had proven my worth.  Because I deserved my chance.  *sigh*   

Reflection moment: This realization hit me like a TON of bricks, especially since I literally just lectured a kid about this on Friday.  How did my behavior slip right past my own radar?  

So after I got angry because I didn't get what I deserved, I was surrounded by drama for two solid years. I hid my feelings and withdrew from friends (and family). I changed who I was to make others happy.  I spoke harshly about things I knew nothing about.   People lied to and about me.  It. Was. Horrible.  

Reflection moment: I know now this drama was self inflicted.  When my attitude was negative, it only brought me more negativity.  By trying to be all things I thought others wanted me to be, I lost myself, creating more anger and resentment.  This drama was my fault.  That's hard to admit.  But I said it. 

Now, I am fulfilled.  I have moved past my need "to get ahead."  I still have aspirations and dreams.  They will come. When it's time.  But now, I realize how much I still have to learn.  And I'm ready to learn because I love my job and getting better at it. 

Reflection moment: it's all about attitude.  I'm a happier person all around because I have let go of my entitlement.  I am not owed anything.  I still have more to learn.  That's my goal: learn more. 

This is not as graceful as I would have liked, but it's what I have.  I'll probably repeat  this general sentiment a few more times because I need to. It helps me.  I hope it doesn't get too boring.