Words
I think this blog post has been bouncing around in my head for a while now. I'm not sure why, on Easter Sunday, it came to fruition. I mean, I see the link, I also wonder if it's a stretch. You decide (please forgive the general presentation of this holiday - it's my view of this day based on the information I have gathered throughout my years, without having actually read the Bible).
Easter Sunday is the day Christians pay respects (or celebrate) Jesus's rise from the grave. This man (can I call him a man?) gave his life for the human race and our sins - we are able to go to Heaven because he sacrificed himself. When most people think of sins, they think of the Seven Deadly Sins or breaking of the Ten Commandments, but I think, as a race, we forget that there are much smaller sins out there. And those are most often presented in the form of words. Words we say out loud about others and ourselves. Words we keep inside about others and ourselves. Did Jesus die to gain us forgiveness for those sins as well? I think most of the Christians in the world would say yes, but I wonder. If we are not aware of our sins, can we be forgiven for them?
I guess now I'm bringing up questions that the different sects of Christianity have debated for years. My point is this: words impact people both positively and negatively. And I wonder if we (because I include myself in this group) are even truly aware of their impact (that's not the right word, but I'm at a loss for the correct one).
Below are some of the words/phrases that I still think about (only the positive ones will be identified with names). Some are positive and some are negative - the negative ones rear their ugly head more often than the positive ones. That's how it goes, huh? I have been able to forgive others for them, but I wonder if the speakers even realize those words still haunt me? Which makes me wonder this: what words have I spoken that still haunt others? I wish I knew so that I could apologize (not that my apology would remove the scars I spoke into reality, but I still would like the opportunity).
"whore" - this was spoken to me by a stranger in the 8th grade in the lunch line. I made some bad choices in the summer between 7th and 8th grade that made their way around the rumor mill that next fall. This word was the result of that. I don't know who said it, but I have a good idea. The irony there is that I think I work with the speaker of that word. And he probably doesn't even remember saying it. That word and the stigma that went with it helped create the mistrust I have for people - it's why I needed the book Daring Greatly.
"did you paint those pants on?" - this is something my sister and I heard around our house a lot. I don't think the speaker realized it was fat shaming and that it would haunt us our entire lives. I have always struggled with my weight. This was the beginning of my awareness that it was a problem.
"you clean up nice" - this was spoken by B. Rogers, a senior the year I was a freshman in high school. The band had made it to state marching competition, and the principal cooked us breakfast that morning. We all dressed to the 9's. This senior was shocked I looked as pretty as I did. Still consider this one of the greatest compliments of my life.
"I'm proud of you" - my father said this one time. When I gave him a rose after my last high school band concert. The Wind Ensemble played A Whole New World (from our marching show our freshman year) while the seniors gave roses to someone in the audience. He whispered this in my ear as I handed it to him. That's the only time he said those words to me. I hold on to them desperately and replay that moment when I feel like I have accomplished something.
"Wow" - This is the same situation as the clean up nice comment. J. Voelkel uttered this word right before the first SHSU Wind Ensemble concert my freshman year. I had done my makeup and my hair and put on my concert black. This is the other greatest compliment of my life.
"I can't be your therapist" - this was said in anger and frustration after months of me wallowing in self pity and anger and grief. I understand that now, but at the time, it struck deep.
"you changed my life" - a former student, Lauren, said that. I only taught her for two years at TCHS - she had moved to Texas City as a junior and for the first few days of summer marching band, she stood by herself. I wasn't okay with that, so I dragged her to the nicest group of kids in the band and introduced her. She picked me as her "most influential teacher" her senior year, and I had no idea. I realized then that teeny tiny things could help people, and it was my job as a teacher to impact as many students as possible.
"bitch" - this was spoken about me by someone who I considered a dear friend. She still doesn't know I heard it, and I'm not going to tell her. This is the catalyst that put me here - giving zero f***s about what people think of me. I had worked very hard to make her like me... and apparently it hadn't worked. So I'm done with that.
"you're a great mother" - I struggled when Jeremy said this. I missed the first few years of Anna's life because I was a band director. I have always wondered if that scarred her for life. When I struggle with parenting (like all mothers do), I replay this moment.
"you don't understand" - this one struck hard. It was said after I lost a dear friend only one year after losing my father. I did understand the grief... I'll leave that there.
"If you leave, a lot of us will miss you" - JM said this two weeks ago. It stays with me because I honestly didn't think he was my biggest fan... huh.
"I keep hoping no one figures out how brilliant you are" - this one is a double-edged sword. It was meant as a compliment but also hurts, as I know that there are people in the right positions who know but don't care. That's frustrating.
"you're beautiful" - Jeremy says this a lot. I write it now hoping it will stick with me because right now, it doesn't.
"you look awesome" - Piper said this to me when we did our stretch workout. Again, I'm hoping it'll stick with me because right now it doesn't.
This turned out way longer than I expected it to... but I feel better.
Easter Sunday is the day Christians pay respects (or celebrate) Jesus's rise from the grave. This man (can I call him a man?) gave his life for the human race and our sins - we are able to go to Heaven because he sacrificed himself. When most people think of sins, they think of the Seven Deadly Sins or breaking of the Ten Commandments, but I think, as a race, we forget that there are much smaller sins out there. And those are most often presented in the form of words. Words we say out loud about others and ourselves. Words we keep inside about others and ourselves. Did Jesus die to gain us forgiveness for those sins as well? I think most of the Christians in the world would say yes, but I wonder. If we are not aware of our sins, can we be forgiven for them?
I guess now I'm bringing up questions that the different sects of Christianity have debated for years. My point is this: words impact people both positively and negatively. And I wonder if we (because I include myself in this group) are even truly aware of their impact (that's not the right word, but I'm at a loss for the correct one).
Below are some of the words/phrases that I still think about (only the positive ones will be identified with names). Some are positive and some are negative - the negative ones rear their ugly head more often than the positive ones. That's how it goes, huh? I have been able to forgive others for them, but I wonder if the speakers even realize those words still haunt me? Which makes me wonder this: what words have I spoken that still haunt others? I wish I knew so that I could apologize (not that my apology would remove the scars I spoke into reality, but I still would like the opportunity).
"whore" - this was spoken to me by a stranger in the 8th grade in the lunch line. I made some bad choices in the summer between 7th and 8th grade that made their way around the rumor mill that next fall. This word was the result of that. I don't know who said it, but I have a good idea. The irony there is that I think I work with the speaker of that word. And he probably doesn't even remember saying it. That word and the stigma that went with it helped create the mistrust I have for people - it's why I needed the book Daring Greatly.
"did you paint those pants on?" - this is something my sister and I heard around our house a lot. I don't think the speaker realized it was fat shaming and that it would haunt us our entire lives. I have always struggled with my weight. This was the beginning of my awareness that it was a problem.
"you clean up nice" - this was spoken by B. Rogers, a senior the year I was a freshman in high school. The band had made it to state marching competition, and the principal cooked us breakfast that morning. We all dressed to the 9's. This senior was shocked I looked as pretty as I did. Still consider this one of the greatest compliments of my life.
"I'm proud of you" - my father said this one time. When I gave him a rose after my last high school band concert. The Wind Ensemble played A Whole New World (from our marching show our freshman year) while the seniors gave roses to someone in the audience. He whispered this in my ear as I handed it to him. That's the only time he said those words to me. I hold on to them desperately and replay that moment when I feel like I have accomplished something.
"Wow" - This is the same situation as the clean up nice comment. J. Voelkel uttered this word right before the first SHSU Wind Ensemble concert my freshman year. I had done my makeup and my hair and put on my concert black. This is the other greatest compliment of my life.
"I can't be your therapist" - this was said in anger and frustration after months of me wallowing in self pity and anger and grief. I understand that now, but at the time, it struck deep.
"you changed my life" - a former student, Lauren, said that. I only taught her for two years at TCHS - she had moved to Texas City as a junior and for the first few days of summer marching band, she stood by herself. I wasn't okay with that, so I dragged her to the nicest group of kids in the band and introduced her. She picked me as her "most influential teacher" her senior year, and I had no idea. I realized then that teeny tiny things could help people, and it was my job as a teacher to impact as many students as possible.
"bitch" - this was spoken about me by someone who I considered a dear friend. She still doesn't know I heard it, and I'm not going to tell her. This is the catalyst that put me here - giving zero f***s about what people think of me. I had worked very hard to make her like me... and apparently it hadn't worked. So I'm done with that.
"you're a great mother" - I struggled when Jeremy said this. I missed the first few years of Anna's life because I was a band director. I have always wondered if that scarred her for life. When I struggle with parenting (like all mothers do), I replay this moment.
"you don't understand" - this one struck hard. It was said after I lost a dear friend only one year after losing my father. I did understand the grief... I'll leave that there.
"If you leave, a lot of us will miss you" - JM said this two weeks ago. It stays with me because I honestly didn't think he was my biggest fan... huh.
"I keep hoping no one figures out how brilliant you are" - this one is a double-edged sword. It was meant as a compliment but also hurts, as I know that there are people in the right positions who know but don't care. That's frustrating.
"you're beautiful" - Jeremy says this a lot. I write it now hoping it will stick with me because right now, it doesn't.
"you look awesome" - Piper said this to me when we did our stretch workout. Again, I'm hoping it'll stick with me because right now it doesn't.
This turned out way longer than I expected it to... but I feel better.
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