My Meltdowns

For as long as I can remember, I have pushed myself hard until I reach a point of no return.  The ledge of my sanity.  

It wasn't until about 8 years ago that I began to develop the awareness to realize where I was headed.  So I ensured I was by myself at the moment I fell off into an abyss of hysteria.   I have, very recently, lost the ability to properly assess when the meltdowns will appear.   

Last spring, my meltdown occurred in the office of someone who I didn't know.  It was completely embarrassing.  

Last fall, same office with the same person.   At least this time, we knew each other a little better.  

On Friday, I almost lost it, for the third time, in front of the same person.  (secretly, I'm beginning to wonder if this pattern is a correlation or causation)  But I didn't.  Phew.  

Instead, I lost it in the hallway. After a hug.  In front of my students.  Ugh.  

The weird thing about these meltdowns is that after I cry, I feel WAY better.  It's like I just need to release the tension and can't any other way.  I'm sure it's not healthy... it can't be.   

I need to find a way to stave these things off.  Or at least become more aware of their impending arrival.   

Here's a haiku set on the subject (cause why not):

The ledge is coming near.

Sadly, I am unaware. 

It's too late to hide.  

I hold my tears and 

silently run for shady

safe places to cry. 

Hopefully no one

will notice the red cheeks and 

lack of eye contact. 

I have fallen off. 

It is much too late to hide. 

Maybe they won't care.