Begin
I am currently reading a book, The Right to Write. At the end of every chapter is an initiation - my goal is to complete ALL of these intiations on this blog. I have a blog, why not put it to good use? The first initiaton, Begin, starts here, today.
Begin with where I am, physically, emotionally, etc. I sit on my red couch wearing my red pajamas waiting for my family to return from church. It's like this every Sunday: they go to church and I go to breakfast with my mother. Once about every three weeks or so my daughter, Anna, asks me why I don't go with them. My only answer is simply, "I don't go to church." I don't like church... I like God and the word of God but not church. As I see it, church is corrupt, unforgiving, fake, and torturous for those who don't fit into the cookie cutter christian. Today is different though. Today I regret not going to church with my family because yesterday I was so inspired by a eulogy given at a funeral. The young man who spoke challenged us to be the best we could be - don't turn your back on God because he took Amber away. Trust in his decisions. Trust his judgement and allow him to comfort your pain. I think if I had gone to church today that maybe I would feel better about losing Amber. At the same time, I am glad I kept my breakfast date with my mom. We see each other so seldomly, even though we live less than 5 miles from each other. My life is so busy. How did I get here? I remember sitting in my living room by myself during the first two years of my marriage and spending almost every weekend at my parent's house. Now, seven years later, I don't have time for TV and only make it to my mom's once every three or four weeks. There is a large amount of guilt I feel when I admit to this in writing. I have guilt about a lot of things. I have guilt because I don't see my mother often. I have guilt because I don't cook every night. I have guilt because I don't exercise daily. I have guilt because most nights my children don't go outside to play. I am a walking guilt container. I have the most guilt because I know I can change these things, but I don't. I unconciously choose to keep the status quo. This is my biggest regret - I don't make the effort to change who I am or what I do. I have started this project on me several times but not succeeded. In fact, I plan to start this project again tomorrow - my road to perfection. I know perfection can never be reached yet this is the expectaton for myself - perfection. I must be a perfect mother, a perfect teacher, a perfect friend, a perfect wife, a perfect writer, a perfect sister; the list goes on forever. This year I have added to this list: a perfect student and a perfect department head. It is no surprise that I live most of my life disappointed with myself. I never reach perfection. Instead of changing my expecations, I just blugeon myself with negative sentaments about my failure to reach perfect. This is why my crazy comes out occasionally; I have to let it out or it will eat me alive and I will not survive.
Begin with where I am, physically, emotionally, etc. I sit on my red couch wearing my red pajamas waiting for my family to return from church. It's like this every Sunday: they go to church and I go to breakfast with my mother. Once about every three weeks or so my daughter, Anna, asks me why I don't go with them. My only answer is simply, "I don't go to church." I don't like church... I like God and the word of God but not church. As I see it, church is corrupt, unforgiving, fake, and torturous for those who don't fit into the cookie cutter christian. Today is different though. Today I regret not going to church with my family because yesterday I was so inspired by a eulogy given at a funeral. The young man who spoke challenged us to be the best we could be - don't turn your back on God because he took Amber away. Trust in his decisions. Trust his judgement and allow him to comfort your pain. I think if I had gone to church today that maybe I would feel better about losing Amber. At the same time, I am glad I kept my breakfast date with my mom. We see each other so seldomly, even though we live less than 5 miles from each other. My life is so busy. How did I get here? I remember sitting in my living room by myself during the first two years of my marriage and spending almost every weekend at my parent's house. Now, seven years later, I don't have time for TV and only make it to my mom's once every three or four weeks. There is a large amount of guilt I feel when I admit to this in writing. I have guilt about a lot of things. I have guilt because I don't see my mother often. I have guilt because I don't cook every night. I have guilt because I don't exercise daily. I have guilt because most nights my children don't go outside to play. I am a walking guilt container. I have the most guilt because I know I can change these things, but I don't. I unconciously choose to keep the status quo. This is my biggest regret - I don't make the effort to change who I am or what I do. I have started this project on me several times but not succeeded. In fact, I plan to start this project again tomorrow - my road to perfection. I know perfection can never be reached yet this is the expectaton for myself - perfection. I must be a perfect mother, a perfect teacher, a perfect friend, a perfect wife, a perfect writer, a perfect sister; the list goes on forever. This year I have added to this list: a perfect student and a perfect department head. It is no surprise that I live most of my life disappointed with myself. I never reach perfection. Instead of changing my expecations, I just blugeon myself with negative sentaments about my failure to reach perfect. This is why my crazy comes out occasionally; I have to let it out or it will eat me alive and I will not survive.
Comments
Happy writing!