Metabolize
Describe a situation in your life that you are currently trying to metabolize:
Where to start? I tend to metabolize in my mind anyway....
I guess I'll use this opportunity to think through my daughter, Banana. She is a beautiful, smart, exciting, and difficult young lady who I have much guilt over.
When she was born, I was a band director. I worked close to 45 hours a week (or more) and was not home at night to feed her dinner, give her a bath, or tuck her into bed. I missed her first steps because I was at a Bands of America contest waiting to go into warm up. How sad is that? I missed one of the defining moments of my daughter's life for a band contest? Ugh. I replay this moment everyday of my life - I cried silently and tearlessly as my band students came and asked ridiculous questions about their shoes, pants, instruments, food, and so much more. All I wanted to say was, "I'm leaving" and walk out. But I didn't. I couldn't.
Today, like everyday, that guilt alters our interactions. Because every time she acts like a 7 year old, making bad decisions (in this case throwing a fit like a 3 year old over boudin balls), I wonder, "If I had been home, would she behave like this?" or "She only does this to me because she hates me for being gone." Both of these sentiments are ridiculous - she is behaving like all other children and she has NO recollection of me being gone. She was just too little. It is not her hatred or memory that fogs our relationship, it is my guilt. Period.
So what do I do? How do I make sure I don't let this guilt ruin our relationship? I don't have a great relationship with my mother because I resent the way she treats my sister. I want better for my Anna. I want better for myself as a mother, but I feel the wedge drive deeper and deeper between us every time I have to punish her. And every time I do something nice for her, she is very ungrateful. She doesn't realize what I've given up. What I gave up for her. The disappointment in my father's eyes when I told him I wasn't going to be a band director anymore.
And there it is. That's what has been messing with our relationship - my father's disappointment in me. Again, he manages to manipulate me, even from the grave. As I write this, I realize I am disappointed in her because she "caused" the disappointment I got from my father. This is ridiculous because I would do it all again - Anna will ALWAYS be more important than my career, regardless of what my father says, said, does, or did.
At least now I realize what is doing it... it's me and my "daddy issues." Now, how do I solve it? How do I make sure it doesn't stain our future? How do I make sure I don't turn into him, always expecting more and giving disappointed glances at the most joyous of moments for her? Strength and cognition. I must be keenly aware of my body language and have the strength to change it when I need to.
Thank you Julia Cameron for that piece of metabolization - I never realized.
Where to start? I tend to metabolize in my mind anyway....
I guess I'll use this opportunity to think through my daughter, Banana. She is a beautiful, smart, exciting, and difficult young lady who I have much guilt over.
When she was born, I was a band director. I worked close to 45 hours a week (or more) and was not home at night to feed her dinner, give her a bath, or tuck her into bed. I missed her first steps because I was at a Bands of America contest waiting to go into warm up. How sad is that? I missed one of the defining moments of my daughter's life for a band contest? Ugh. I replay this moment everyday of my life - I cried silently and tearlessly as my band students came and asked ridiculous questions about their shoes, pants, instruments, food, and so much more. All I wanted to say was, "I'm leaving" and walk out. But I didn't. I couldn't.
Today, like everyday, that guilt alters our interactions. Because every time she acts like a 7 year old, making bad decisions (in this case throwing a fit like a 3 year old over boudin balls), I wonder, "If I had been home, would she behave like this?" or "She only does this to me because she hates me for being gone." Both of these sentiments are ridiculous - she is behaving like all other children and she has NO recollection of me being gone. She was just too little. It is not her hatred or memory that fogs our relationship, it is my guilt. Period.
So what do I do? How do I make sure I don't let this guilt ruin our relationship? I don't have a great relationship with my mother because I resent the way she treats my sister. I want better for my Anna. I want better for myself as a mother, but I feel the wedge drive deeper and deeper between us every time I have to punish her. And every time I do something nice for her, she is very ungrateful. She doesn't realize what I've given up. What I gave up for her. The disappointment in my father's eyes when I told him I wasn't going to be a band director anymore.
And there it is. That's what has been messing with our relationship - my father's disappointment in me. Again, he manages to manipulate me, even from the grave. As I write this, I realize I am disappointed in her because she "caused" the disappointment I got from my father. This is ridiculous because I would do it all again - Anna will ALWAYS be more important than my career, regardless of what my father says, said, does, or did.
At least now I realize what is doing it... it's me and my "daddy issues." Now, how do I solve it? How do I make sure it doesn't stain our future? How do I make sure I don't turn into him, always expecting more and giving disappointed glances at the most joyous of moments for her? Strength and cognition. I must be keenly aware of my body language and have the strength to change it when I need to.
Thank you Julia Cameron for that piece of metabolization - I never realized.
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