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Today, i just write.  I write to exercise the demons that are keeping me crazy at the moment - there are so many.

Really, there is just one demon: myself.  I am the reason I'm crazy.  I'm so unsure of myself, my abilities, and my decisions that I manage to down-talk myself further than any person could ever take me.  I would never allow my friends or family members talk to me the way I talk to me.  How ridiculous is that?  Alas, it is my biggest fault.

Today it has manifested itself in three ways:

1. I am terrified I have made the wrong professional decision.
2. I look in the mirror and see a warped reflection.
3. I wonder daily if my friends are truly my friends.

Because I was a band director in my "former life" I missed the first two years of my daughter's life.  I missed her first steps.  I missed putting her to bed every night.  I missed feeding her dinner.  I missed reading to her.  I missed so much.  For that reason, I changed teaching subjects and have a lot of guilt.  This guilt has affected our relationship negatively.  I also decided I would NOT miss any more of her formative years or the early years of any future children.  It is for this reason I didn't apply for a promotion that would give me more money, responsibility, and recognition (incidentally the one thing I crave most in my life).  Only today have I regretted this decision.  Is it too late?  Did I miss my only opportunity at the career I eventually want?  It is my insecurities that bring this up... I want someone to tell me that I'm good enough to have this job.  I don't want to work those hours right now. I cognitively KNOW I've made the right decision but my irrational need to be rewarded causes me to question it. 

I am not happy with my physical self either.  Sadly, I don't seem to be in control of my body.  It controls me.  I have dieted.  I have exercised.  I have altered the way I eat.  I have altered the way I think about food.  I have altered the way I think about exercise.  It's not enough. I have made zero headway in my battle against the bulge.  *sigh*  There are options out there for permanent assistance in this arena, but it costs way more than I have, or can get.  I must continue to battle my genetics the hard way.

I think today I'm stopping here.  Too much more and I'll be in tears and I don't have the energy tonight.  Be back tomorrow probably.